Hello, My name is Rory Gilmer, this will be my initial blog to behinddthewall. After reading several articles, I’ve decided to chime in with you guys.
To find solace in forgiveness is power. A power I reclaim as my own. The moment I chose not to forgive, I chose to give that power away. Now I choose to take it back! The action of forgiveness, in itself, is never for others, but to free me from the strife that holds onto my spirit.
As I get older I realize my view on certain situations change. At one point in my life, physical violence was my way of handling any negative situation. Wrong or right, I would fight to prove my point of being as tough as, or tougher than my opponent.
I also used to believe in an eye for an eye. Whatever pain you brought upon me, I planned on returning the favor x’s 10. Who wants to be the same all of their lives? That’s why I take my change of mind as a blessing. I can tell you this for sure – not me. I’m continuously trying for a better version of myself. That something inside of me that makes me special, I know it’s there. Therefore, I should continue to look. I have looked deep within myself and found that I harbor a great deal of pain and resentment due to other’s transgressions against me.
I have never let go of the pain that my heart has felt when I whole heartedly give myself to another, only for them to treat my love like a disposable razor. Or the anger I feel when people speak about homosexuals as if they are lesser than, rather than equals.
It’s not that I don’t want to let these feelings go. I know better than most that holding onto these negative notions only stunts my growth as a person. Sometimes I think maybe I just don’t know how to let these feelings go. I’ve lived enough to know that the first step is becoming aware that something is out of place, that there’s a problem. It’s at that point that I must begin my search for an answer. A friend once told me, “It’s okay to forgive, but not to forget.” I don’t know if I can wrap my way of thinking around that concept. I’m more of a ‘accept a situation for what it is and move on’ type of person. I have to find the balance that I’m comfortable with when it comes to dealing with any problem or situation. I guess what I’m saying really boils down to: can I choose which problems or situations I deem important enough to salvage. If I choose not to indulge in either one anymore, I must honestly, with my whole heart, let it go. To do less would only taint my growth process and set me back further than I was before this crisis came into my life.
The worst thing about past pain is that it makes me doubt my wisdom, or my ability to make sound choices. Today I’m making the choice to forgive those who have hurt me and move on. It’s all about my state of mind. You see, I now know, through life’s lessons, that the only limitations I have are those I set for myself in my own mind. My mother always tells me, “Everyone does not think like you and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you wrong, nor them right. The situation just doesn’t work for you.” With that being said, I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.
One Love Rory!