“I Cried”

(“I Cried”)
I cried and cried and cried after the visit with my daughter today,
“Mama, Daddy does the best he can, but he can’t fix my hair the right way,”
It’s heartbreaking to hear a ten year old define her father that way.
“The kids laugh at me in school sometimes, but mom, i don’t care what they say;
I said i wasn’t going to tell you, but what really gets to me is that you won’t be there when i get home from school each day”!
I Cried!
My daughter’s loving words never stop resonating in my mind,
I try my best to hold up, but everyday i cry at sometime.
How could i have done those things to leave my daughter behind,
and cause me to spend each of my days crying!?
I Cried
(Twi-light)

“Living In Hell,Married To An Angel”

(“Living In Hell. Married To An Angel”)
I know it’s hard to believe the two can co-exist
especially when i live in a place like this!
As we stood there, She said some words she truly took to heart,
Through Hell and high water she’s lived them each day; “Till Death Do We Part”.
From Hell, i ask the lord when i pray,
What did i do for him to send an Angel my way,
Someone to always stay with me and force the darkness Away?
Being married to an angel is not an easy task,
She light my way because she loves me, knowing all about my past.
I’m praying for a resurrection to be set free, I’m praying to someday give back to her what she has given me!
(Twi-light)

“Introduction of Aman”

I am a father of 6 children. My wife and I were successful business owners until we fell on hard times. Many of the factories and surrounding businesses in our community were shut down due to the 2008 economy crisis. Our childcare facility had come to an abrupt halt. We were 3 months behind on our mortgage and Christmas was approaching swiftly. My family and I were feeling the pressures of total loss. Loss of business, loss of our home, and loss of control of our well-being. So I made a choice to invest the remainder of our depleted bank funds into illegal drugs to sell. I was looking for a quick fix, hoping to stabilize our spiraling downward at warp speed when my nightmare began.

March 16, 2010, the federal Marshals engulfed my reality, and enslaved my freedom. No citizen could ever fathom the thought of being incarcerated or the thought of being separated from your loved ones other than death itself. So please allow me “AMAN” to escort you through my journey to hell, Behind the Wall.

On February 2, 2011, I was sentenced to 121 months in the federal penitentiary. After 1 year of tug a war court proceedings of continuous fighting for a sentence between the guideline range of 5 years to 40 years for selling cocaine, I was convicted. Feeling nauseated, and weak kneed from my sentencing verdict I mustered enough strength to remain attentive to hear the last muffling words from the judge, saying “the Defendant is to be housed in a prison in Kentucky. This will allow his family an opportunity to have as strong of family ties as possible under these life altering circumstances.” Being stifled by the verdict of my new reality, my attention focused on my family. How could I still be the best father, brother, friend, son, and husband regardless of our new situation. I say our situation because we all have a new reality. The absence of one person has a lasting effect on every soul entwined in family and friendship. True love is a bond never broken, our pains are one in the same. Moving forward.

March 13, 2011, I arrived in California. Stunned, shocked, and terrified, I began to question how and why? explaining that my judge recommended I’d be housed in Kentucky to remain close to my family. Orientation was the following day. I was informed that I was now a product of the FBOP and my judge had no say in where the FBOP decided to house inmates. Distraught, in a state of delusion, somewhat delirious, I wrecked my brain trying to process How does a Judge can have no power? 3000 plus miles away from Bowling Green, KY, my family struggling to understand How was I locked in prison in Lompoc, California, when Lompoc was the farthest institution from Kentucky? I would never dare add any more stress on my loved ones so I lied. Being a man not too fond of lying, in this case I had to lie, because the truth had the power to suffocate my mother, wife, and children. To give them a visual nightmare to my actual reality, under no circumstance, could I allow them to see a picture so vivid. So I lied instinctively and told them not to worry, that I would only be here for approximately 6 months, knowing that no explanation would be sufficient, I tried my best to hide the truth that I was in a warzone, in a land of the unknown. The prison was flooded with gangs, Bloods, Crips, GD’s, Vice lords, Mexican Mafia, Soriano’s, all different gangs which was foreign to anything I’ve ever known living in Bowling Green. The truth was I did not know if I would make it home.

Reality settled in instantly. Though I loved my family dearly, I had to stay in tuned with my surroundings, to have a fighting chance to return home, when any situation could turn to life or death in a blink of an eye. Racial tension could be felt like arthritis in the bones. I had to carry a fiberglass shank for protection because everybody had a knife made of fiberglass, which was as deadly as a samurai sword, capable of gutting or filleting fish. It could not be detected by a metal detector, and I prayed I’d never have to use it or get caught with or without it. To get caught with it would be jeopardizing good time loss, or an increase in prison security levels. To be caught without it would be jeopardizing my health, well-being, and life which I could never chance. These were new realities I could never share with my family because I knew that my mother’s blood pressure would skyrocket through the roof. I knew my wife would stress to the point that she could not conceal her emotions from our children. I knew a domino effect would begin to place a stranglehold on the ones I loved most, the very people I would protect with my life. So it was a given, that I had to shoulder the weight of my reality and shelter the hearts and minds of those who mattered most.

However, Lompoc had many educational programs which I occupied my days with. One program I recall in particular was a parenting class, which many inmates loved. It was a course taught by a volunteer, outside contractor. The instructor was dismissed for questioning, How does the FBOP encourage family ties when it has a design to break family bonds by sending so many men and women thousands of miles from home. I could relate to everyone of them being 3000 miles plus away from home. The instructor asked “How could he help mend broken families when many men were not able to have a physical relationship at all due to the extreme distance between parents and children?” He said “the ability to look into your children’s eyes as often as possible and engaging physically as much as possible has a lifetime effect and no family should be completely torn apart from locking men and women up across country.”

He said “the 1st part in parenting was availability.” He was dismissed for having compassion and the ability to show empathy to a prisoner. Before the instructor expressed his thoughts and feelings, he told our class that he didn’t think the FBOP will like or approve of today’s lesson but he felt impelled to share his heart with us prisoners.

He said “it was the humanly thing to do.” Food for thought..Could the FBOP really be designed to break family bonds? Or is this a byproduct of just assigning human beings to a prison bed? Harsh reality shows that some of the methods used by the FBOP are truly detrimental to any family bond. I will express many other concerns real soon and Do my best to paint prison pictures more vivid than HD. Sign off now ”

“Aman”

“GOD’S LIGHT”

Twi-light, and I had a conversation, as we talked he said to me that, we had to separate Church and State, I accepted his answer, Then he showed me what he had written; Oh My GOD! I could see the prison within a prison; I could see the place, that he has had to live. Deep in a place where his very existence was threatened minute by minute. I could hear the silent cries of fear, the terrors by night and the fight to survive; to return to a life that will always seem like it has moved beyond you, so I said to him , “you said church and state had to be separate”, but they can’t, because the only light that shined in the Twi-light was a light that would and could never go out!

“And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of GOD moved upon the face of the waters. And GOD said let ther be light: and there was light”            (Gen. 1:2-3).

“And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehened it not”.(Jn 1:5).

“GOD’S Light”

 

 

 

 

“Twilight The Poem”

TWILIGHT
Twilight is a Dim Period between day and night,
When you are stuck there nothing seems right.
A journey that never seems to end,
How am I to determine where one stops and the other begins?
Are we always to be stuck in between,
Never to share the Light and Darkness Of Our Dreams?
For me Twilight Must End,
So I can share In Light or Darkness The Love Of Family And Friend!
BY:TWI-LIGHT

“Daddy’s Girl”

Daddy’s Girl
I wish you could have seen her as she did her pirvotie, coming into an attitude, showing her most beautiful dance move yet!
As I watch her I can hear your voice so clear:”My Ballerina, did you see that Allegro, Perfect in everyway?’
mark My Words Sweetheart, listen to what I say, by this time next year she will be on the championship stage, I see it in her today!”
You were right tonight she was crowned Prima Ballerina at only six years old. She is so much like you. She has a loving soul.
I asked about the smile lighting up her face?
She said: “I Was thinking of daddy, how long is he going tube in that place?”
We have another secret that I’ve kept from you.
She cries at night and calls out your name, and Baby “I DO IT, TOO!”
BY: TWI-LIGHT

“Tell My Son”

Tell My Son

You said you would always be there, that our family would always grow,
Last week I took Junior to Father’s Day at school, when asked where his
Father was, he could only answer: “I Don’t Know”!!
I know you told me I should tell him you were in prison and you would be gone for a very longtime, but he loves you so and I wonder what that news would do to his mind?
How, How Baby, can I tell Junior to be Strong, and in the same breath tell him that his father now lives in the Twilight Zone;
And I can’t say when he is coming home.
BY: TWI-LIGHT

“Twilight”

Twilight:

Twilight is a dim period of time: the end of a day, the end of a night, the end of life. As I ponder how best to introduce you to a life “Behind the Wall” and give you a glimpse into the twilight zone through the eyes of someone who lives there I often find myself meditating on two worlds forced into being by the breakup of one, creating fraternal twins of an individual the same person becoming two. The twin you know remains who he or she was fixed in your mind, the other twin moves into the Twilight Zone and becomes someone totally different, setting in motion a permanent separation, a separation of lives joined by sharing suddenly brought to an abrupt end. How each person responds to these events begins to mold the future at the very birth of the fraternal twins from the individual.

At times I feel as if I’ve awakened from a long coma spent in the Twilight Zone to find myself in the matrix; (but that’s a story for another day.) I’ve awakened to find this world is real for me. At the same time, I’m aware of the existence of the world that is a fraternal twin to the Twilight Zone, that being your world. I’ve grown in my understanding and acceptance of the fraternal twin to my world, your world has moved on in its own way. Far beyond anything I could have imagined. How sure am I that I should now embark on this planned journey that opens my world and the world of many thousands like me to you? I admit that I’m not very sure, but I’m absolutely sure that I must try! I must try for me, I must try for you, I must try for all I loved then and still love dearly now, I must try for all I have left behind in your world that once, long ago, was our world together and at all cost must become our world again!

Upon my taking the first step in this journey, I want each loved one; wife, husband, father, mother, son, daughter, family member and each friend to know and believe I have thoughtfully and unselfishly considered the facts that events setting into place my arriving IN the Twilight Zone of my world created an equal and opposite twilight zone for you in the separate world within which you were left. I cannot say with certainty that I am fully aware or fully know and understand all the pain and struggles you have endured in your world during this time, but I want you to know that each of us inmates here at “Behind the Wall” are grateful for your continued love and friendship. We look forward to crossing each bridge together that reconnects our separate worlds. The building materials for this first bridge we are erecting that can lead to our renewed lives of sharing is our mutual love for one another. A love that can never die, a love that lay patiently within caring hearts awaiting the life giving nourishment brought by us being together once again.

INTO THE ZONE:

Can you remember the gut-wrenching sickness you felt as the realization set in that your loved one was gone and was not coming home for a very long time, “If ever”? It still may be too painful for you to recall. Because of the loneliness brought on by the fear of sudden isolation, you began to feel your loved one had suddenly “changed,” that in someway and for some reason, this change had caused your loved one to abandon you and with each tick of the clock, those , those feeling were confirmed; or so you thought.

With the assistance of many other inmates, I aspire to bring you to an understanding that your loved one had not suddenly “changed”, a much better description would be: we are going through a “mutation”. A mutation forced upon us as the prison doors closed behind us! With the closing of those prison doors, a despair set IN, a despair cloaked in fear of the time it would be before those doors would open to freedom once again. This feeling of despair was deepened by the separation from you and all that we loved!

There are five different levels of incarceration we will share with you fulfilling our mutation: UNITED STATES PENITENTIARY (USP, Medium High, Medium Low, Low and Federal Prison Camp (FPC); each represents a different level of security. We may enter the zone at any security level, from USP to Camp. The entry is totally different at each level; therefore we are going to start at the highest security level and work our way down; Noting that an infraction of prison rules can send us from the lowest level to the highest in the blink of an eye; (this too is a story for another day).

As you were suffering in your sudden isolation wondering why we had cared enough to call, we desire to aid your understanding further that changed, no way defines what has happened to us. As stated earlier, the only term this writer can come up with to accurately explain what happened to me is MUTATED.

I’ll start in the beginning when the door closed: NOT the courthouse doors, NOT the jailhouse doors, the prison doors. A sound that given the words of Socrates, Galileo, Arius, Delh or any of the other great men throughout history, I still would not be able to convey that sound to you, a sound that would almost make “terrifying” a nice word.

Here is what we are going through, a period of orientation into the Twilight Zone. At this initial orientation, we will be telling you about the “USP Level”, noting all levels of orientation are not the same, each security level is different.

At the beginning of this USP security level orientation, we learn that we will have only one phone call per month! As you walk by familiar spots where you and your loved one has shared many happy times together, sick with your own brand of despair; we are learning how to respect fellow inmates. Picture this as you contemplate all the reasons we are not doing things we should to reassure you. We are trying to remember not to look into other’s cells as we return from orientation or other locations to our own cells. We walk by cells on the way to our own after being told that glancing into stranger’s cells and living quarters is a show of disrespect and could further endanger our lives! The positions of our heads and our body language determines our show of respect. With each task where movement is required, we fear a safe return to the cage that is now our home. A lowly room without hope of seeing you or any other loved one or friend soon.

You probably know nothing of the strange number combinations: 23-1, 22-2, 21-3, 20-4! They represent the time your loved one must spend within his or her cell, locked down each day and the time permitted out each day for recreation or other approved activity. The larger number in the combination of numbers is always the time spent locked down in cells.

We were as shocked as you were at not getting a letter on a timely basis. At this security level we live within at a USP, a pencil is considered a deadly weapon with the potential of snuffing out the life of another. Therefore, someone else, a staff member of the prison, must approve the times, places, and even our qualifications for approved use of a pencil to write letters.

Do not accept that the person you felt was so adorable, endearing, loveable, and happy in your presence just a short time ago has suddenly changed. Accept the fact that without their permission, they are mutated into a person who can remain safe within a USP. That mutation has required their isolation, and yours! There are many other adjustments in life style your loved one must make to remain safe and progress through this level of security before moving to the next level of security and a wee bit closer to home.

It is at this point when I believe most of you in the free world began your own “mutation” and your thought process began to truly mutate as you wondered through mind numbing hours gripped in fear that your life would never be the same and there could be no return to normal. You achingly concluded you must go on without us. For your mental, physical, and emotional health, you had to adopt a plan of survival that did not include us.

Remember we are starting at a high level to help you understand the transformation from from your world to the deepest level of the Twilight Zone. There are many other adjustments you will need to hear about before we move on to the next custody level.

Next, you can look forward to a brief outline of “living in the cage”.

Please, let us have the opportunity to address questions, comments, or suggestions you may have prior to moving to our next post. Your questions, comments, and suggestions are needed to assist in building our bridges that will merge our worlds successfully.

Quote for Today:

“The most insidious thing about bondage is how easy it is to grow accustomed to it.”- Author Unknown

“Behind the Wall”

* Twilight Zone – 15 years and beyond
*In the time – 6- 14 years
* Return to the Present – 1 to 5 years
* Ask Your Questions.
* What About the Children?
*That Can’t Be True?

Herein is the attempt of one man, along with all who chose to join the effort, to bring into focus a daily occurrence of collision between two vastly different worlds. A continuous collision distorting and tearing at the living fabric within our country. A fabric woven of relationships between family members and friends.

I call one of these world’s your world, a world I and many like me became separated from decades ago.. Having been separated that is truly a “twilight zone”. The Twilight Zone is an existence within a sphere of life fashioned by the United States Department of Justice through the Federal Bureau of Prisons, the “FBOP”/ The Twilight Zone exists “Behind the Wall”.

The world “Behind the Wall” is extremely different from your world beyond the walls. For those of us who have spent fifteen or more years “Behind the Wall” and approaching the intersection where these two vastly differing worlds meet, avoiding a collision becomes paramount. Failure to avoid a collision may very well result in a return trip to the Twilight Zone, or worse! The approach to the intersection is timid and mind numbing.

Spending decades “Behind the Wall” has disconnected me from your world, the world of family members and friends long lost in the vast, dark gulf of time and distance; it has disconnected me from a world of ever changing current events, personal trends, fashions, technology, and philosophy. This disconnect clouds my mind with excited hopes of catching up, yet mingled with fears of failure! Can what’s been lost in time and space ever be recaptured, restored?

It is my desire that our combined efforts here at “Behind the Wall” render to us ways to build bridges for me and others who join me here to reconnect lives spent separated by these two worlds. Ways that will build strong and lasting relationships between husbands and wives; between mothers, daughters, and sons; between fathers, daughters and sons and between long missing but beloved friends.

Sadly, at these times, any of our circle of family members and friends can find themselves in the Twilight Zone within the FBOP without the understanding of those beyond the wall of the world they find themselves; having been effectively excommunicated without either being fully aware of the excommunication and the looming collisions set in motion by the excommunications. I have a strong appreciation for the task set before us, the difficulty of the tasks and the enduring problems at the intersection of merging these two worlds with happy endings, so we will move forward as concisely and as objectively as possible.

Some of the things that are common, everyday occurrences to you is seemingly science fiction to us existing in the Twilight Zone. For example: I’ve never sent a text message! I managed to send my first email from a computer work station three years ago. I have never held a phone in my hand with capabilities of taking a selfie. Twilight Zone? Right!! Included in the over two hundred thousand federal inmates, there are between twenty five and thirty thousand inmates, (those who have been “Behind the Wall” fifteen years or longer), who are as deeply entombed within this Twilight Zone as I am.

Can you imagine living in a world where the value of your currency depreciates thirty percent the second it passes through your bank’s window? No?! “Behind the Wall”, that’s a reality. Postage stamps form the main denominations of currency “Behind the Wall” and they go from forty-six cents to thirty cents in value the second they are purchased at a commissary window and no one ever seems to think twice about it..

Can you imagine never receiving a phone call? Never having anyone stop by any day of any week to say “hello”? Only having twenty people approved to visit you, knowing the heavily monitored climate of those visits? Having only thirty people on your call approval list and only three hundred minutes total allotted for you to speak with them throughout a month? What does this mean to those of us who live “Behind the Wall”? That is an easy question for us; it means that the vast majority of the people who were in our lives in your world have now been removed from our lives in the Twilight Zone.

As you have questions about what it’s like to live in this world of the Twilight Zone, we here “Behind the Wall” will be happy to provide answers, as we move forward, it is our desire to provide information on every aspect of life as a federal inmate; to establish an ecumenical family willing to create a network capable of assisting us returning from the Twilight Zone recover and restore what has been lost; to showcase avenues that will help loved ones reconnect sooner!

Most of all, we want to build a network in a manner that will prepare us returning home from the Twilight Zone to stay home when they get home!

We have short term goals of help to get loved ones incarcerated closer to home. With your help, we can locate jobs from inmates; we can find the vocational schools and place inmates who desire to learn skills that prepare them for jobs they desire.

The Twilight Zone has existed too long! Let us each join together, communicate and bridge the gaps between your world and the world created “Behind the Wall” by the FBOP. There is so much about your world now that I and many others like me don’t know; however, there is just as much about mine that you don’t know. Effective communications here will go a long way in bridging gaps.

So that you know that I’m being honest with you, I will share a secret here that not even my family is aware, I am almost sixty years old now, and I’m afraid of that world you live in; not so afraid that I’m not willing to help you reach to this world as I reach to you for you to help pull me, your family member and friends, back!!